Sometimes you already know what you want. You know the conversation you need to have, the decision you keep revisiting, or the change you have been thinking about for much longer than you expected.
What keeps you stuck is not always uncertainty.
Sometimes, you are waiting for permission.
A surprisingly ordinary moment on top of Mt. Pilatus in Switzerland made me realize how easily we can start waiting for permission in relationships, even when no one has actually told us that we need it.
What Mt. Pilatus Taught Me About Waiting for Permission
Mt. Pilatus rises above Lucerne in central Switzerland, with its highest point reaching 2,132 meters – about 7,000 feet. It feels incredible to stand at the top – and getting there is part of the experience. From the town of Kriens, a panorama gondola takes you up to Fräkmüntegg, where you transfer to the Dragon Ride cable car for the final climb to Pilatus Kulm. This is the route I chose – but you can also ride a cogwheel railway up from Alpnachstand, which has been operating since 1889 and reaches gradients of 48%.
Pilatus isn’t just a mountain; it’s a mountain steeped in legends that have been around for centuries. During the Middle Ages, people believed that dragons with healing powers lived in the mountain’s rocky caves. The dragon legends live on today in the Dragon Ride and other attractions like the Dragon Path and Dragon World.
After several days of bad weather during my visit, the skies finally opened, and the sun came out. Apparently, everyone else had been waiting for the same day.
There were endlessly long lines everywhere. By the time I reached the top, the place was packed. The long lines weren’t just for the gondolas; crowds moved shoulder to shoulder through the souvenir shops, and there was plenty of competition for the lounge chairs outside with those incredible Alpine views. It was one of those beautiful days when everyone wants to stay just a little longer.
I booked in advance and was indeed staying longer.
Instead of heading back down with the day visitors, I had booked a room at Hotel Pilatus-Kulm. The historic hotel dates to 1890 and has only 27 superior rooms and three junior suites, so staying overnight is a very different experience from visiting during the day.
The mountain felt very different after the last day visitor left. Open space and stillness replaced the crowds and tourist announcements. Knowing I would wake up to an Alpine sunrise viewed from my bed felt exciting. That alone made staying overnight worth it.
But for the moment, it was time for dinner.
I left my room and headed toward the restaurant. To get there, I needed to walk through a corridor connecting the hotel with the restaurant. The same corridor that was packed with people earlier.
Now it was empty. Lights dimmed. I was the only one standing in the corridor.
The souvenir shops – closed. The counters – unattended. The lines had disappeared, along with the visitors and the people who had been guiding everyone through the space.
My dinner reservation was on the other side, and nothing was actually stopping me from getting there. There was no locked door, no rope across the corridor and no sign telling me I could not continue.
Still, I stopped.
Was the area closed now? Was there another way to the restaurant? Was I supposed to ask someone before I went any farther? Would I trigger an alarm?
The problem was that there was nobody to ask and no advance instructions.
So there I was, standing in front of a perfectly open corridor, with somewhere I needed to be, waiting for permission that clearly was not coming.
Eventually, I started walking. The first few steps felt strangely uncomfortable, and – to be honest – I waited for an alarm to go off or someone to rush in and reprimand me for being in a restricted area.
To my surprise, nothing happened. A few moments later, I was on the other side, and dinner was wonderful.
The hard part wasn’t getting to the restaurant. It was deciding I was allowed to go.
Why We Wait for Permission in Relationships
That empty corridor made me think about how easily the same thing happens in our relationships.
You can know what you want and still hesitate because you are thinking about how someone else might respond. Perhaps you want to make a different choice, but you know someone will be disappointed. Something may have bothered you for months, but you keep waiting for a better time to bring it up. You may know that an arrangement no longer works for you, yet you are still trying to decide whether your reason is good enough to change it.
Eventually, the question shifts. Instead of asking, “What do I want?” or “What do I need?” you begin asking, “Will the other person be okay with what I want?”
That difference can be hard to recognize because caring about other people is not the problem. Relationships require consideration. Other people’s feelings matter, and our choices affect the people around us.
But consideration and permission aren’t the same.
When you are used to being responsible, keeping things running, or trying not to disappoint anyone, it can be surprisingly easy to confuse the two. You may think you are still weighing your options when you are actually waiting for someone else’s approval before allowing yourself to make a choice.
This is one reason familiar patterns can continue even after we recognize them. Knowing something isn’t working anymore doesn’t automatically make doing something different feel comfortable. If that sounds familiar, you may also want to read Repeating the Same Patterns.
That discomfort can be misleading. When something feels unfamiliar, we often assume we should wait until it feels better. But sometimes the discomfort doesn’t mean the choice is wrong. It is telling you that you are stepping outside a rule or expectation you have followed for a very long time.
Two Ways to Stop Waiting for Permission in Relationships
Recognizing that you are waiting for permission is a good starting point. Two things can help you look at the situation differently.
Find the Rule You Never Agreed To
Standing in that empty corridor, there was no actual rule saying I could not walk through. But somehow, I acted as though there was.
We do the same thing in relationships. Sometimes what holds you back is not another person telling you no. It is an unwritten rule you have carried for so long that it feels like a fact.
Maybe the rule sounds like:
- “I shouldn’t disappoint people.”
- Or, “” Perhaps it is, “If someone is upset with me, I must have handled it badly,” or,
- “I should keep trying before I decide something isn’t working.”
When you notice yourself waiting for permission, finish this sentence:
“I’m not allowed to ______ unless ______.”
That blank can help you uncover the hidden rule.
Some rules were taught to you; others you picked up from your family, previous relationships, or just from being the person everyone could depend on. Sometimes, no one ever explicitly tells us it’s a rule – it’s something we’ve created on our own.
The important question is whether you still want to live by it.
You may discover that the rule you have been obeying is one you never consciously chose. Once you can see it as a rule rather than a fact, you get to decide whether it still deserves that much influence over your life.
Stop Looking for Reassurance and Look for Evidence
When something feels unfamiliar, it’s tempting to ask other people whether it is okay. Approval from others can help us feel better and more sure of a decision – but only temporarily.
But when we start looking for reassurance from others, what we are often looking for is permission. Instead of taking action, you ask another person. Then another. Again and again, you explain your situation with the hope that you can feel certain about your decision
Instead, ask yourself:
What am I predicting will happen if I give myself permission here?
Maybe you are predicting someone will be angry, you will regret the decision, the relationship will change, or you will discover you made a mistake.
Then look at the prediction, not the fear around it. How likely is it? What has actually happened in similar situations before? If the uncomfortable outcome did happen, could you handle it?
That was exactly what happened in the corridor on Mt. Pilatus. The feeling was, “I probably shouldn’t be walking through here.” The evidence was very different: no barrier, no sign, my dinner on the other side, and nothing actually preventing me from going.
The feeling was real. The rule was not.
Looking at the evidence doesn’t guarantee every decision will work out exactly the way you hope. It does something more useful: it helps you make choices based on what is actually happening instead of letting a feared outcome decide for you.
What Changes When You Stop Waiting for Permission
Later that evening, I walked through the same corridor again. Staying in a hotel with such a unique ambiance and few guests, I passed through the corridor again on my way back to the room – and it already felt easier.
Worry about whether I was allowed to be there turned into curiosity. How many times do you get to be the only one wandering the halls of an otherwise packed mountain top hotel?
Then I started noticing things I missed before – like the Dragon World and some other cool dragon-themed details.
Nothing about the corridor had changed. My relationship with it had.
Giving yourself permission can work the same way. The first time you make a different choice may feel uncomfortable because it is unfamiliar. The first time you say what you really want may make you second-guess yourself. The first time you stop looking around for someone else to tell you that your decision is acceptable can feel surprisingly risky.
But unfamiliar and wrong are not the same thing.
There may be a version of that corridor in your life right now: a conversation you keep postponing, a decision you continue revisiting, something you want to stop doing, or a relationship that you know cannot continue exactly as it has.
If something immediately came to mind as you read that, pay attention to it.
Ask yourself what unwritten rule you may be following. Then look at the evidence for what you fear will happen if you stop following it.
Waiting can feel safer because nothing has to change today. But waiting is not neutral. It keeps the current situation in place.
Sometimes the permission we keep waiting for was never going to come from the other side. And once you give it to yourself, you may begin to notice choices that were there all along.
You don’t have to travel to Mt. Pilatus to discover that, though if you ever get the chance to stay overnight, I highly recommend it. It was unforgettable, and watching the breathtaking sunrise from bed is hard to beat.
But if you have been standing in your own version of that corridor for weeks, months, or even longer, it may be time to stop waiting for someone else to wave you through.
If you know something needs to change but cannot seem to get past the point of permission, you don’t have to work through that alone.
Reach out. Let’s talk. I can help.
Recent Comments